I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
You Might Also Like
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall