“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
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If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Always 🥴
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.