“what that mouth do?” complain
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Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s