shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
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The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.