nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
You Might Also Like
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Breaking news:
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “