A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
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Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game