Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
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i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.