God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
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Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.