A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
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“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet