Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
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ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
That was easy.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.