The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜