[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
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My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time