Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
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A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
(2022)
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.