I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
You Might Also Like
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Do not steal food from the science building!
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.