Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
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If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.