Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
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No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.