I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
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I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*