I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
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My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Bobby pin
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?