For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
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[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.