My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
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Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream