Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
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I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.