7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
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[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Received some very disappointing news today
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Favourite diary entry ever
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?