I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
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If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi