Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
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My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
A fake ID that makes you younger
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020