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uh oh
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
…u ok Nintendo?
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.