The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
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Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
“I’m helping” 😅
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
“You drive, I’m tired.”
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”