15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
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Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
how to have an accident 101
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.