Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
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ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Jogging
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.