please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
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Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened