I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
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Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.