-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
You Might Also Like
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
real
#StillHurts
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers