I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
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DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
*skinny dips into black hole
meow
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Just me?
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Reporter: *ports again*
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day