Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
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[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
How to woo a woman
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.