The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
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Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
constantly working on myself.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!