Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
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Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I think about this a lot
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER