ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
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*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Doggies just call it style.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I’ve been learning to cook.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.