Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
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To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.