i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
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“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
If I ignore life will it go away?
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?