Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
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blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.