Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
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My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.