My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
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Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX