Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
You Might Also Like
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.