You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
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How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
The Backseat Boys
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.