What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
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i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”