My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
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To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.