I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
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I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Coffee is ready.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
When can I start eating bats again.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…