*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
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People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible