I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
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I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning: