The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
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Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Ghost costume 😂
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
#SuperBowl
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher