Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
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I am a gravy boat captain
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?